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Saturday, 16 June 2012

Wacky E-Petitions - Protect the Children Edition

It may seem to you that throughout all of history your children have never been at greater risk of harm than they are right now.  In the minds of panicked, over-protective parents, educators and politicians, it is an undeniable fact that everything great or small in the world can and will harm your precious little ones.  Something must be done to PROTECT THE CHILDREN!  And who better than government to protect your children?  So in honour of those who incessantly worry about what dangers may come to your children and want someone else to protect them, we give you the Wacky E-Petitions - Protect The Children Edition:

Our first entry this week comes under the "Every baby is a miracle, unless you're too young to have one" category:

Stop Kids Having Kids

I call for the introduction of mandatory Contraceptive Implant's (sic) for all girls age (sic) 15 to 18. This is with the aim of preventing those still considered children having children. This is a problem in today's society with those not capable or responsible enough to have children, having them at an age at which they are not fully educated and socialized. I propose the introduction a of system in which only those of proper age, or of a proven level of maturity, can reproduce. This is a measure to curb the rise of undisciplined youth with parents that do not have control.

Well, at least the 12 to 14-year-old girls can still have a go at reproduction, should they desire.

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In the "It sounds quite specific and we still don't know what you want to ban" category:

Ban Children's advertising with children with cameras watching testing products in bathrooms.

Ban the use of children in adverts aimed at selling nappies or shampoo for example that show children in bathrooms using these products. It is wrong as they lack the understanding to know why they are filmed, which is then broadcast on TV. It is a form of abuse even with the parents (sic) consent it should be banned as companies use this for pester-power & money making.

Is it only the filming in bathrooms that you find so offensive? Or should we show nappies on adults instead?  No doubt that will appeal to some.

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Our third entry this week falls under the classic and popular category of "Your children are stupid and gullible."

Ban all advertising aimed at children

We the undersigned call for a ban on ALL forms of product advertising aimed at children under the age of 12. We find the corporate corruption of developing, credulous, vulnerable minds to be an unacceptable practice. A ban would help to combat the worrying dominance of materialism and greed as the guiding principles of British society.

Perhaps you have already signed the plain packs petition, sir? Because, as everybody knows, every cigarette pack design is clearly aimed at all children. Right?  Am I right?

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In the "Nothing beats hands-on training" category:

Make educating children about knife crime compulsory

I think that the government should educate children about the dangers of knife crime in schools and it should be made a compulsory part of the national curriculum. The explicity (sic) of images and texts should not be a problem as children need to be taught what knife crime really is.

No doubt with this training our kids will become proficient experts at gutting their classmates. If the "explicity" of images and texts is no problem, why not a practical exam where the kids stab each other in class? Then they'll really understand knife crime, mate.

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Finally, it's not always about the live kiddies. In the "An excessive use of exclamation marks is necessary to protect the parents of dead children" category:

get rid of dead baby jokes !!!!

i (sic) made this petition for facebook !!! to get dead baby jokes shut down for good !!!! please sign this petition !! to stop it once and for all !!! its (sic) sickening that facebook have let this continue for 2yrs (sic) now no matter how many times reported its affending (sic) so many people who have lost babies and who are pregnant or who are already parents !! i recieved (sic) a threat from that page it was sickening facebook need to come together and fight to stop such discusting (sic) sickening heartless pages !!! and who ever creates them should be delt (sic) with by the law !!!

To which we feel obliged to ask: "What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?"  Answer: "You cannot use a pitchfork on the bowling balls."

Of course, the simplest solution to the Facebook jokes page is not to view it. But for the panicked and over-protective, it's always so much easier to ban, ban, ban it all.

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For more wacky e-petitions, see our previous blog posts.

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