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Sunday, 3 June 2012

More Wacky E-Petitions

Mark Wadsworth left a comment on the If Only We Could Ban Everything post suggesting that I do a weekly series of hilarious and silly e-petitions.  I think it's a bloody fantastic idea -- I might even do it twice a week. It's good fun.  I'm struggling to come up with a good name for it, so I thought I'd ask you dear readers for your ideas on a good title for the series.  If you think of a good title, please post it in the comments.  In the meantime, let's highlight a few more utterly "brilliant" e-petitions:

First up is the "OMG! You believed the Invisible Smoke campaign?" entry for:

put dye in cigarettes to make the smoke more visable (sic)

Put dye in cigarettes to make the smoke more visible. Doing this will make smokers more aware of the pollution that they are causing to their environment - their home, car, clothes, family, friends and of course themselves. "If you could see the damage that smoking does you wouldn't do it!"

Nice of her to include a tag-line for the campaign. Don't you think? She doesn't mention a colour.  I suggest olive-green, which will be the colour of our packs some day. It would be a nice touch.  Even if you could somehow keep this dye intact while it burned in a cigarette (or I suppose it could be added to the filter, which smokers would then break off), imagine what this dye would do to smokers' teeth and lungs. Imagine the extra chemicals we would inhale and give off in our second-hand smoke. Imagine the utter joy of non-smokers from being covered in dye (they already moan about the smell).  Imagine the unborn foetuses at risk! Are you trying to kill us all off quicker?  Gee, thanks, lady. Are we done imagining how stupid this idea is?  Naturally, this is exactly the kind of thing the Root of All Evil and his sheep minions of hate would support.

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Next, in the "Hey, it didn't work before but let's give Prohibition another shot" category, we have a gentleman who wants to kill two birds with one stone:

criminalise smoking and alcohol althogether (sic)

Smoking and alcohol causes too much harm to any adult that participates in such activity. People die from cancer, heart and liver disease as a result of these actvities. (sic) Also if alcohol was criminalised, then we would see the end of drink driving (and people being killed as a result), a lot of anti-social behaviour in public, and people being a danger to themselves. And children and young people would not take up this habit if they didn't see adults doing so. Making 18 the minumum (sic) age is not good enough - these activities should be criminalised altogether. 
Well, I ... uh... I like being a danger to myself.  I'm not legally allowed to be a danger to anyone else, am I?   And hey, buddy, it's my body!  But he's right. People do die of all kinds of cancers -- most of them non-smokers who typically had very low-exposure to second-hand smoke. Heart disease is most often hereditary -- something your doctor will tell you when she asks for your family's medical history, and your diet and exercise habits could a big factor there as well as the type of work you do (stress).  Liver disease can certainly be caused by excessive drinking (usually because your job sucks, and the government is taxing you to death), but what about those of us who do not drink to excess? Why criminalise us for being moderate?  Thank you very much for caring about the majority of us, you puritan do-gooder nannying ... gah... never mind.

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In the "Let's kill protected anonymous speech, massively increase the size of government, and destroy business at the same time" category:

Ban Digital Anonymity

Online aliases are the virtual equivalent of wearing a face mask and hoodie in the real world. Digital anonymity is a disguise used to perpetrate serious criminal acts and online bullying.

If your online and texting behaviour is appropriate you don’t need an alias!

Sign this petition to call for the following:

1) All devices capable of accessing the internet must be licensed at the point of sale. i.e identity and proof of current address of the purchaser must be supplied to the vendor who passes the data to a government body who verifies the data and licences the device before it can be used online.

2) All websites permitting anonymity should be blocked in the UK.

3) Cellular and landline telecommunications of any nature within the UK must carry a digital signature which clearly identifies the real identity of the sender and recipient(s) of the data.
Wow. Just wow. High marks for grammar and spelling, though. "Virtual equivalent of a face mask and hoodie," you say. Truly? Please. Setting aside that number 3 is already more or less implemented (called ID anyone?) and has been for around over 20 years I guess, and pretty much all digital activities on-line can easily be traced to the source,  this is just wacky, wacky, wacky. Number 2 is practically impossible even for North Korea and China. Number 1 would burden businesses greatly with this regulation and eat into their profit margins, and can we really trust the government with our data?  Me thinks not, given its history and tendency to abuse it for nefarious purposes. Do you really want to be taxed more than you already are?  Oh, and did you think about the children? I bet you didn't. Children are using the Internet and now you want to make it easy for the millions upon millions upon millions* of creepy on-line paedos to track down and stalk the kiddies? Are you mad!  If you don't like the Internet, don't use it!  OK?  OK, then. What an awful idea...

*I might be exaggerating that figure a little...

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In the "Let's make a lot of women (and perhaps all trannies) really fucking angry" category, we have:

Ban high heels

Accidents involving high heels together with operations for bunions and other foot deformities, and days off work for bad backs, must cost the NHS and the economy a fortune! We, the undersigned, propose that wearing of heels more than 1 inch in height should be made an offence subject to on-the-spot fines. Manufacturers of said items should be put out of business. 
No doubt that this petitioner is channelling the Root of All Evil.  Put the manufacturers out of business! Crush them like gnats! Go ahead, see if you can crush the footwear industry like they are gnats. Go on, I dare you. I double dare you. Why does everything always come down to how much things cost the NHS? Did it ever occur to you that the NHS is inefficient, and spending way too much money on hate campaigns? And honestly, buying footwear helps the economy, which is why women's footwear (and clothing) is incredibly expensive. Duh!

On the other hand, if this does go through and we see a ban on high heels, I volunteer to be the guy who is responsible for enforcing it and levying on-the-spot fines.  Ladies, I can easily be talked out of fining you. Yes, even you naughty, repeat-offender minxes could be let off. My mobile number is ...

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Finally, in the category of "I know it's parody, but it's absolutely a cracking idea!"

Ban Small Children From Cars

Small children in cars are dangerous. Their incessant cries of "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" are clearly a distraction to drivers who are forced to turn around - thus taking their eyes off the road - in order to slap said children about the knees (if such action is still legal) whilst shouting "Shut up!"

Small children in cars are far more distracting than mobile phones and smoking.

Therefore they should be banned from cars and forced to either walk or get the bus. This will have the added bonus of forcing the little fatties to get some much needed exercise.
Awesome.  Awesome. Awesome. It's my favourite one yet.

And we're out. Huge thanks to Mark for this suggestion! Stay tuned for more wacky petitions, and if you do think of a fab title for this series, let me know in the comments.
High Heels Do Not Ban!