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Thursday, 31 May 2012

If Only We Could Ban Everything

The World Hate Organisation's (WHO) propaganda machine is operating at warp factor 9 today to inflict World No Tobacco Day on the unsuspecting and wearied global population.  It's ongoing mission is to seek out and destroy freedom and free speech tobacco companies' interference:
The campaign will focus on the need to expose and counter the tobacco industry's brazen and increasingly aggressive attempts to undermine global tobacco control efforts.

This is the exact uniform that every Big Tobacco employee wears, so they should be easy to spot.
Personally, I would like to stop all WHO interference in my life. I don't need nannying technocratic fuckwits like these people saving me from myself.  That's all I have to say about it.  Feel free to peruse their hate literature...

So, in honour of a global culture of "ban everything" I thought I'd see what the general UK population would like to ban these days by checking the e-petitions site.

In the Slippery Slope category, here we see someone asking to ban advertising of baby formula. Seriously? Formula?  Is it really as bad as cigarettes?  Apparently, yes:
Ban all advertising of formula including follow-on milks
This petition calls for the government to ban all advertising of formula including 'follow-on' milks.
The advertising of these products undermines and misinterprets the WHO and NHS breastfeeding recommendations and guidelines.

'WHO strongly recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life. At six months, other foods should complement breastfeeding for up to two years or more'

'Exclusive breastfeeding (with no other food or drink) is recommended for around the first six months of a baby's life. After this, breastfeed alongside other foods for as long as you and your baby wish. This might be into their second year or beyond.'

Good to see the WHO's involvement there. Never mind those women who are physically incapable of breastfeeding and might want to know about alternatives.  I suppose they'll just have to starve their newborns.  Although, I do see a cottage industry possibility here. If you have any spare breast milk, you know what to do.
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Next up, and this one is clearly meant as parody (I hope) but I like it, let's ban Google. It has 7 signatures so far. (emphasis added to denote initial facetiousness):
Ban Google
We, the undersigned, wish for the banning of Google.

This sparsely used search engine carries out its purpose by providing links to desired sites.
However, with one search, it provides users with hundreds of thousands of torrent and other illegal sites connected to shady activity. If the judicial system is willing to ban other sites for part of their user base illegally downloading data (see:, we should ban Google on exactly the same principle.
I recommend signing that one immediately.
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In the "Lonely Hearts Scrooge" category, let's ban Christmas:
Ban Christmas
Chistmas (sic) is a time of enourmous (sic) emotional distress for the lonely and as such is discriminatory and repressive and should be banned.

Christmas always sees a high rate of suicide which wouldnt (sic) happen if Christmas was banned. As such Christmas is dangerous to peoples (sic) health and an event we can do with out.

Christmas is also expensive and in this time of austerity we can do without it.
Sorry, Santa. The 99% don't want you.
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Carrying on with the "Holy Shit! Does This Really Exist? WTF?" category, let's ban cage fighting for children:
Ban Child Cage Fighting
Ban under 16 cage fighting and any event which promotes violence upon and between children for adult entertainment
We'll, I'm intrigued. Where's the next match? 
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Next we have the "Is This Really a Problem?" petition asking to ban those pesky flying lanterns (160 signatures by the way):
Ban Chinese Lanterns
We want the Government to ban Chinese Lanterns which are littering the countryside, dangerous to animals, a fire hazzard (sic), and unsafe when let off.
Shh! Don't tell Prof. Brian Cox about this one. Pretty sure I saw him setting several of these aloft in his Wonders of the Solar System / Universe series...  Thanks, Brian. Thanks a-fucking-lot.
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OK, if all that weren't enough, here we have someone asking to ban man's best friend:
Ban Dog Ownership
Ban all dog ownerhip (sic) in the UK except for single pensioners and all working dogs such as police, army, sheep dogs, guide and hearing dogs. Only dogs of practical benefit to society should be allowed.
Why stop at dogs, mate?  Perhaps only people of practical benefit should be allowed to exist. Yeah?  Sorry, pet lovers, no dogs for you.
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Back to the always popular "Must Be Parody" category, let's ban marriage for straight couples:
Ban Heterosexual Marriage
It is unacceptable that this country continues to allow heterosexual marriage.

It is unnatural and against nature.

The heterosexual agenda is now being pushed in our newspapers and our schools.

For years now, explicity (sic) heterosexual interactions have been displayed in our TV, film and advertising.
Heterosexual marriage takes this agenda a step too far and this must be stopped. Ban heterosexuals from getting married and instead allow them a civil partnership like everyone else.
At least it's not asking to ban sex between straight people. That would be a step too far.
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I could keep going all day here, but one last one to protect children from their beauty pageant-loving parents:
Ban Botox 4 Babes
I am appalled that mother's (sic) are allowed to legally inject Botox into their daughter's (sic) faces both here and in the USA - some as young as 8 years old! This practise it is not only immoral - but also child abuse.

This dreadful behaviour MUST BE MADE ILLEGAL

In the USA the Bill to Ban Botox for minors (A3838) is on the government’s agenda - advancing in the US Senate to become LAW. Shouldn't we in the UK not do the same? YES Children do not have wrinkles! Children’s skin has not yet finished growing!

Mother's (sic) are unaware of the potential injury they may inadvertently inflict.

Most mother's (sic) are not specifically medically trained in the procedure and do not know the location of the muscles in their child's (sic) faces the muscles. Therefore they are potentially injecting blindly! WORSE STILL - Out of date or banned Botox substitutes are available on the Internet and may be used to save money! For more information and links
I'm sure she means well, even if she's completely unable to punctuate or put together a grammatically-correct sentence (e.g. "Shouldn't we in the UK not do the same.").  Just a tip, dear.  I'm 40-years-old, and my skin hasn't finished growing either.  It never stops growing.
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There you have it, people. Enjoy your day of banning everything we don't like because there is no other solution.  

For more silly potential bans on everything, follow this link to the government's e-petition site: